If your teen is refusing school, it can leave you feeling stuck, emotional, and unsure of what to do next. Maybe your mornings have become tense, with arguments, tears, or silent stand-offs. You’re not alone—and you’re not failing.
This is Part Two in our series on school refusal, where we guide you through the emotional side of what’s happening—and what you can do. In this part, we’ll introduce three impactful steps that shift the focus away from conflict and toward connection. These aren’t quick fixes, but they are practical tools to help reduce resistance and build trust, even when your teen seems shut down or overwhelmed.
If you missed Part One, you can read it here: Understanding what’s behind school refusal.
STEP ONE
Understand your teen’s emotions and support them in naming and managing those feelings.
The first step is helping your teen understand what they’re feeling and that those feelings are okay.
This is ’emotion coaching’, which means to help your teen sit with the feeling, not dismiss or rush past it. The goal is to name the emotion, validate it, and then support your teen in taking a small step forward without letting fear make all the decisions.
Reflect their feelings without trying to fix them straight away. You could say:
“I can see you’re feeling really anxious about going to school. That makes sense—it’s a lot to face some days. I’m here to help you through it.”
“It sounds like you’re feeling overwhelmed about your math class. That’s understandable. Let’s talk about what’s worrying you.”
“You’re feeling scared to go back to school after being away. That’s a normal feeling—we can face this together.”
When teens feel emotionally understood, they’re more likely to listen and more able to manage stress.
STEP TWO
Stay calm and manage your stress so you can be a steady presence.
One of the most powerful things you can do in a moment of school refusal is to model calm.
Even if you’re panicking on the inside, your outward tone matters. Teens take their cues from us. If we’re anxious, angry, or defeated, it can escalate their own distress or resistance.
Try this:
- Taking a pause before responding.
- Use a steady, calm voice.
- Stick to predictable routines—prepare bags, lunches, and uniforms the night before.
STEP THREE
Before offering solutions and taking action, lead with empathy and connection.
Once your teen feels heard and you are feeling grounded, it’s time to guide them with empathy and direction.
Instead of trying to reason with a distressed teen, focus on connection first. Remind them that they’re not in trouble, they’re not alone, and that you believe in their ability to face hard things.
Connection doesn’t mean avoiding boundaries. It means setting them from a place of compassion and belief in your teen’s ability to cope. Use calm, clear expectations:
Say “when” not “if”
“When you’re at school tomorrow, remember to take your water bottle.” This is instead of “If you go…”
Use direct statements or choices that don’t give your teen the chance to say ‘No!
“It’s time to get out of bed. Will you have your breakfast first or a shower?” not “Do you want to get up now?”
Praise brave behaviour
“You did something really tough by getting out of bed today and getting ready—well done!”
These three steps aren’t always easy, but they’re powerful.
By helping your teen feel seen and safe, staying steady yourself, and leading with connection before solutions, you shift the dynamic in your home.
Next up: Put these strategies into practical, everyday actions. In Part Three, we’ll explore the ways you can support your teen to take steps back toward school—and help reduce anxiety, one small win at a time. Click here: Strategies to help your teen go back to school when they don’t want to.
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