Setting boundaries with your teen, without the battle

Setting boundaries with your teen can be a daunting task. It’s a situation that many of us have encountered at one point or another (or maybe you’re about to enter into this territory!). Setting boundaries could be around your teen wanting to hang out with friends at the park after school or maybe it’s going to a party.

In this week’s post, let’s discuss setting boundaries, an essential part of parenting teens. As challenging as it may seem – teens can be scary! – when you set boundaries with your teen, you help keep them safe, while supporting their increasing independence and celebrating their growth.

You can help them understand when it’s safe to push and how to set limits for themselves when they eventually head off without you. Your voice of caution will be in their heads early on…eventually to be replaced with their own voice.

Parent survival tips – on how to handle pushback and set safe boundaries with your teen

Tip 1 – Discuss and agree on the boundaries with your teen

The more your teen feels like they have input and not been dictated to the more likely they will stick to the boundary. 

Tip 2 – Be flexible, within reason.

Remind your teens that you care about them and are on their side. If your teen presents a valid argument or suggests a modification to a rule that is still safe and responsible, consider making an adjustment.

For example: “Typically we don’t allow you to go out on a school night. However, I’m willing to make an exception tonight because you finished your homework as you said you would, and you’ll be home by 9:30 so I know you’ll get enough sleep.”

Tip 3 – Set limits that are clear and specific.

Teens often just hear the first word of the sentence so keep instructions short and clear.

Make sure teens clearly understand the reasons and expectations behind the limits you’ve set.  This is where the ‘why’ is important. It’s not simply you imposing rules.

You may have some “always” or “never” rules for safety. For example, “Always wear a seatbelt. They save lives and I care about yours.” Or, “You are never permitted to drive if you have been drinking alcohol. Not only are you putting yourself at risk, but you’re putting others at risk as well.”

Tip 4 – Clearly state any exceptions you may have.

If you establish limits at random, you may encounter resentment, or have them ignored altogether.

Remember though: Don’t set boundaries in the heat of an argument.

Let your teen know about the limits that will stay in place, the ones that protect their safety. And at the same time, let your teens understand that “consistent” does not mean inflexible, permanent, or unchangeable. Consider changing the established limits as teens demonstrate trustworthiness.

Tip 5 – Remind your teen of the consequences of going outside the boundaries

Stick to the consequences you set down, otherwise your teen will lose faith in you and know they can push the boundaries even further.

For example “If you come home after your 10 pm curfew you will not go out with your friends next weekend.” The hard part can often be enforcing the consequences: maybe there’ll be slamming doors or fuming silence from your teen. But don’t back down. This will be very helpful in the long run for your teen to understand the consequences of their actions.

Consistency is crucial!

While teens may choose to either follow or reject the rules. And if rules are rejected, teens should expect to face consequences.

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And finally, choose your battles. Not every issue needs a strict boundary. Know which ones are the most critical rules and let some of the less important ones go.