Are you a ‘first-worst’ thinker when it comes to your teen?

Here’s a question for you: Are you stuck in ‘first-worst’ thinking when your teens propose something?

I know I’ve been guilty of it (and Michelle has too). And this question recently hit me hard when my teen daughter wanted to throw a party.

My daughter had just walked into the kitchen and excitedly asked about having a party at our house. After she left, I remember just standing there and asking myself “What if this happens?” “What if that happens?”. I found myself spiralling into all these worst-case scenarios, without even chatting with her about it!

I suddenly became aware of these thoughts, and I was shocked to realise I’d been doing this since her early teen years, just after starting high school. From her requests to hang out in the park with friends, to the Halloween parties. Many times, my knee-jerk reaction was a flat-out “no”. But not based on any facts–just my ‘first-worst’ made-up scenarios!

Now…to be honest…I was thinking about my teenage days in the ‘80s: some mischief and a bit of rule-breaking. And if my daughter pulled the stunts I did, I’d probably have a heart attack! Later on that night, after I calmed myself down, I ended up chatting with my daughter about my ‘first-worst’ thinking. After a bit of eye-rolling, she gave me the lowdown of her hanging out with friends–Gen Z style: sitting around, glued to their phones, sharing TikToks, Snapchat, or playing Roblox. That’s it.

First-worst thinking

Do you do ‘first-worst’ thinking? It’s the tendency to jump to the worst possible conclusion straight away. 

And when it comes to parenting, particularly with teens, this mindset can really impact the way we perceive and interact with our kids.

Another way of looking at it is it’s like you’re wearing blue-tinted glasses – everything looks blue. Your teen wants to go to the city with a friend? Your blue glasses see trouble because of that one wild night in your teen days. It’s an immediate heavy “no.” But the thing is, being a teen is a time of self-discovery, growth, and inevitable mistakes.  We need to give our teens the benefit of learning some life skills on how to handle situations.

Balanced parenting

We need to take off those blue-coloured glasses. Instead of shutting down experiences based on our own past, it’s important to create an environment that encourages open communication and understanding.

Balancing boundaries and trust is crucial. Your teen wants to hit the city and be back by 9 pm? Don’t shut it down straight away. Share your concerns, and explain the why behind your decisions. Your teen might surprise you with some logic of their own. Meet them with a decision that’s halfway: “You can go to the city, but you need to leave by 6 pm at the latest…It’s not you that I’m worried about. It’s the city after dark.” And here’s a reminder that the teenage brain – the frontal “fight or flight” part – is still in development. They crave thrills but might not see the danger until they’re 25. So the balance comes in where you allow your teen to make their own decisions but if you genuinely feel that something is not right, say ‘no’.

A quick tip for the week ahead

When your teen suggests plans, watch out for that knee-jerk “first-worst” reaction.

Take a moment to consider your concerns, talk it out and find that middle ground with your teen. Let them spread their wings, but make sure they’re still within reach.

Observe any ‘first-worst’ thinking you might be doing. 

This is a practice that can really help with your relationship. (And relieve you of the self-induced high blood pressure!)